Decisions about how to deal with the decline of a parent or the settlement of an estate can tear families apart, re-opening old wounds or uncovering fault lines that no one knew existed.  It’s important to remember that:

• Often there are no clear right answers;

• Tension is to be expected; and

• The relationship between siblings will continue long after the parents are gone.

Good communication is key, but communication skills do not improve spontaneously, particularly during a crisis.  Nancy Kline has developed a method to help people make better decisions.  In her book Time to Think, she describes the ten components of a “Thinking Environment”™, factors that help people think better, especially under stress.  We use the Time to Think™ principles ourselves in our firm discussions, and recommend reading it before the crisis arises, and using the tools found there to help bring about a workable resolution.

One of the components of the Thinking Environment™ is Equality.  Nancy suggests that difficult conversations take place in “rounds”, with each person speaking in order around the room, and with no interruptions.  When the speaker has said everything they want to say, the next person in order speaks.  No one speaks until it is his or her turn.  Everyone other than the speaker keeps their eyes on the speaker’s eyes, trying to genuinely understand the speaker’s point of view, and knowing that when their turn comes, they will be able to say everything they need to say, without interruption and surrounded by interested listeners.  This tool is simple, but extraordinarily powerful when used in combination with the other components.

Sometimes, despite their best efforts, families need help in reaching the right conclusion about caring for an elder parent.  This can include individual therapy, family therapy, facilitation, mediation, and the use of collaborative law.

·    Psychologists and social workers who specialize in working with elders and family members around disability issues can be found in your area using a  web search for terms like “family therapy” and “elder” or “disability” along with your town name.

•  Facilitation is a process in which a neutral third party helps groups communicate more effectively and reach better decisions.  A facilitator’s job is to create an environment in which all issues get on the table, everyone is heard, and an effective decision is reached.
• Mediation is a similar process that is used after a dispute has arisen.  A mediator’s primary job is not to decide who is right and who is wrong, but to help people resolve the differences themselves.  Some mediators, upon request, will give suggestions about how the dispute might be resolved.  But a mediator’s primary job is to help people settle the dispute themselves.
• Collaborative law is a process in which each side hires an attorney with instructions to use their settlement skills to resolve the case without litigation or threats of litigation.  More information is available at the Mass Collaborative Law website.

Boston Legacy Planning  LLC is available to help individuals and families avoid and resolve disputes, and to design effective dispute resolution systems.   Bill Coyne has experience as a trial lawyer, as a mediator, and as a facilitator.   In 1999 Bill published an internationally recognized article on the collaborative law technique, “The Case for Settlement Counsel”, which is available for download in the Advisors Area. 

To explore whether we can help resolve your situation, call 617-624-3350 to schedule a free consultation.